What I Miss Most

I miss the days of ease.

not second guessing

Not always observing,

no hypervigilance.

The days that were spent in pure joy,

just taking it in.

There was no over analyzing,

no advocating,

no wondering if this new symptom is connected or something new but separate.

There was no stressing about remembering to administer medications,

no keeping appointments straight,

no list on my desk of things to remember to tell the doctor at our next visit.

I miss believing everyone was healthy.

I miss knowing it was all going to be ok.

I miss worrying about the small stuff, like how to keep them busy for the afternoon or where that missing stuffy got lodged.

I miss that terribly.

I miss blissful ignorance.

Lazy sunday afternoons, not because they are needed but because it feels right.

I miss not considering if spring activities or summer camp would be 'too much'.

I am realizing lately that for the last year or more, I have been eyes wide open.

Always looking,

always searching,

aware,

always taking note,

always waiting for the next thing,

always holding my breath .

It is exhausting.

But just because you want a break from it doesn't mean you'll get one.

In fact, this will become our new normal and I need to find a way to accept that.

I know, I know.

It will be ok,

we will get it sorted.

I will find the energy.

I will manage by taking it one day at a time.

I do know that.

But somedays it hits me just how much I miss so many small things that I took for granted before.

So if today feels easy in your home,

if you can just sit back and watch your child playing and having fun,

if there is no voice in the back of your mind urging you to take notice,

try to take a moment to really enjoy it.

You never know if that peace will be taken.