Up until recently, I didn't spend much time reflecting on what it means to belong. It's not lost on me how lucky that makes me and the privilege that I have, that 'fitting in' and finding a place have always come rather effortlessly. Belonging is such an important part of our lives. And, when you belong, it's very easy to take this for granted. One of the strangest feelings I have been navigating lately is a feeling of not quite fitting in or belonging. I have this new feeling that my experience as a mother now oscillates somewhere in between two worlds, but doesn't quite fit in either. I even feel a bit dramatic saying that, because, from the outside looking in, we have great people in our lives and we most certainly 'belong' to our different circles. But there is a strange feeling that our experience is different now, not always, but sometimes.
I am a social worker and a person who, by nature, is relatively good at resourcing myself with whatever support I need. Since beginning to navigate what it might mean to be a mom with a child who has different support needs, I have gained membership in a few online communities of parents who have kids with neuromuscular diseases or just general groups for parents with kiddos who frequent the medical system for a whole host of different reasons. To date, I haven't found the need, or perhaps been brave enough to ask my own questions in these groups but I have found it very helpful to be able to search specific questions within a group and also just be a wall flower. I have gained strength by witnessing how strong these mama's are. Also, I feel comforted to know that when I have a burning question about how to navigate some new space, I have a place I can turn to. No one is as knowledgeable and fierce as the mothers in these groups. That's been huge!
On the other hand, this exposure to seeing what other families are facing has made it easy to fall into a comparison trap. I have had many thoughts of, "wow, I can't imagine", or "our experience doesn't come close to what that child/mother/family is having to navigate". I think this perspective is important. Not to minimize that what we are going through doesn't matter or isn't hard, but it is helpful to remember that it also isn't SO bad. It is a good reminder to me to try to live in the moment and take the wins when they come. It also has this sneaky way of making me feel a little 'less' deserving or even a bit dramatic in thinking I need extra support to begin with. I don't feel like our story 'fits in' with some of the stories I see mothers connecting over. I feel a little embarrassed almost that we can't relate, as though our son isn't 'sick enough' to be part of that group. I know there is no hierarchy in suffering and that what we are going through is painful and hard. It's just a bit of a reality check. Sometimes a helpful one. Sometimes one that makes me feel more alone.
Then, I return to my usual motherhood village. It feels a little different too. We share many of the same worries, 'are they kids getting along at school', 'what will we do with them for summer break', 'will this cold and flu season ever end' and all the other very typical conundrums that come up day to day. There are tons of similarities and untouched areas of motherhood where I feel right at home with my peers.
But, sadly, there are some extra layers that don't necessarily 'belong'. I don't know how many other parents are counting down the hockey practices, unsure if this will be the last season and their last opportunity to cheer from the bleachers. I'm certain most parents aren't perseverating that their child's trouble with focus or reading or body odour is a new puzzle piece that may need to be considered in understanding what all is going on with his health. Is it related or unrelated? Is it something to worry about or typical? I wonder how many other moms are trying to find summer camps to keep their kids busy while they work, but feel scared that it might be too physically demanding. Are any other moms avoiding, once simple, health care activities like flu shots, because they just can't bare the thought of adding an extra "test" or "procedure" for their child. Do other moms feel a lump in their throat when trying to figure out what spring activity will be appropriate for their kid? You get the point. It feels different now. Not all the time, but often enough.
I am a resilient person and I have a deep sense of confidence that we will figure it out as we go. We always do. But once in a while I pause and reflect on how much I miss taking for granted all the big and little ways that we belonged before all this happened.
Comments