It's been a hot minute since I sat down long enough to gather my thoughts and reflect on all of the moving parts in our life.
Today Bennett's class is going on a field trip! I remember so clearly the excitement that came with field trip days when I was young. It was a day to be with friends, a time to get to know your teacher in a whole new way, and a day that kind of broke all the rules. Who didn't love those special days?! Bennett has been excited for today and was beaming this morning when he woke up, knowing that half the day he would be out exploring with his friends.
This all sounds like a good thing, doesn't it? I wish it felt good too. However, today the field trip is snowshoeing up a trail in Mt. Fernie. We, like everyone, have had a really bizarre winter and I have been praying for a week for no snow. I am sure I am the only one in Fernie and the winter enthusiasts here would be mad to hear it, but it's true. I have been wishing that today would be cancelled on account of the weather. The kids would be disappointed, sure, but it would leave no opportunity for Bennett to struggle or miss out.
Bennett's teacher this year is amazing. She spoke to me a week ago raising her concerns that the trail is steep and challenging and that she is worried about wether or not it is suitable for him. She gave him a few different options to get out of the day or make a few accommodations to make it a little easier. He declined each one, insisting he can do it. This is the hard part. It's becoming the new part of this journey that is breaking my heart. He does not want to miss out. He doesn't want to take the out. Not in hockey. Not at school. Definitely not on a field trip. He wants to be all in.
So, snowshoes in tow, off he went to school today. He is filled with confidence and excitement. I am rattled with grief and anxiety.
It's so complicated. There is the odd catastrophic thought that something really bad could happen today, but that's not what I'm anxious about. Mostly, it is that he will push through and then suffer for the next week; limping, barely getting up the stairs, having to miss out on hockey or play dates. We have seen so many times what happens when he does too much. Then, perhaps worst of all, are the anxious thoughts about him having to tap out and feel the disappointment and grief that he just simply can't keep up with his pals. I saw that look of defeat in his eyes recently one night at an overnight hockey tournament, when he just simply couldn't manage the stairs up the waterslide in the pool any longer and got out early. I watched him struggle through his feelings of being up in his hotel room with only his family, wanting to be with his buddies but not feeling well enough to partake. It was awful and I wish I could never see it again. I wish he never felt that way ever again. The feeling of being different, of feeling left behind. It is awful. So today, I hold that fear too.
One of my girlfriends, and truly one of Bennett's greatest Jedi's Emily is going with the kids today. She made him pinky promise that if he starts to feel sore or tired that they will turn back and go have their own fun. I know he trusts her. I know she knows him well and will keep checking in with him. He will have an out if he needs it. It is the only reason I don't feel like crawling out of my own skin today. I know, it will be okay and if anyone can turn lemons into lemonade it is Emily and Bennett for that matter. It's just shitty. I am sick of lemons. I am sick of making lemonade. I, like every other mother, just want my kids to be okay and have the strength to do whatever it is their little hearts desire.
Although I keep telling him how big he is getting, truly, he is still so little, only in Grade 3. I wish I could take this burden from him. It is hard not to let future worries creep in. Is this the beginning of more missing out? Is the gap widening? I hope not, but I'm nervous about it. If the grade 3 field trips are too intense, what will that look like in grade 4, 5, 6 and beyond. It's a lot to carry.
So there it is, my morning pity party and an inside look into the anxious thoughts of a mom who has a very special and brave boy, who's legs just won't cooperate.
Comments