You know, sometimes we get going in our day to day and it is easy to forget that anything is different for us. We make adaptations of course but they don’t feel like adaptations when you’re in the moment. You just learn what feels good for your family and avoid what doesn’t.
Back to school came with a rude and painful awakening. One that caught my heart off guard.
In grade 3, the kids are allowed to choose which park they want to play on. The one designated for grade 3 and under or the "big kid" park in the back. They have one in between year where there is choice. Naturally, all of Bennett’s pals are stoked they are finally allowed access to the new park! Of course they are, they have been waiting for this opportunity with bated breath.
Today was the day where they finally had the opportunity to spread their wings. Unsurprisingly, all his friends can play and handle all the structures at the new park. They are active, strong, robust 8 year old boys. Unfortunately, the big park is hard. Like really hard, for Bennett. There are no walking structures and no platforms to seek stable ground on or under. Everything is made of rope. It is wobbly and requires lots of strength and coordination. The bottom line is, he can’t keep up and doesn’t feel safe enough when it’s busy to even attempt it.
To add insult to injury, Nixon has masterfully learned the monkey bars this week and rightfully feels proud and wants to show off his new skill.
Up until now, Bennett has been able to maintain the lead (even if only by a sliver) in terms of doing things first. I can’t imagine what it feels like to realize that your, two years younger, brother is now surpassing you in some of these gross motor milestones. What I can say, is that the sorrowful pain in his eyes and choked back tears shows me it doesn’t feel good. So I will keep trying to find the balance between celebrating Nixon and also holding space for Bennett's feelings about it all too. It's tricky and painful and hard.
Bennett has a remarkable ability to work through hard things and keep the fire in his belly alive, to get up and keep grinding. I know he will find his footing, metaphorically and maybe literally too. He always finds a way. But today, it was a really hard day for him and there might be a lot of hard days ahead while we work through this new change. As a mama, a hard day for him means a hard day for me too. Boy what I wouldn’t give to take it all away for him. But since I can’t, I will lay with him while we cry, make lots of space for all of his feelings and remind him how loved he is.
The fall is busy. The hustle and bustle feels both exciting and overwhelming. But today was a good reminder that on the days where my biggest struggle is getting back into routines and making lunches again, I'm ahead by a long shot.
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