It’s the night before we will potentially hear news. News about our sweet boy. News that might change the trajectory of our entire lives. Of his entire life. I have been wanting to just know what’s going on for so long. And now, the night before I may know, I feel caught between two spaces. The part of me that wants to know. that wants to get on with it, that knows we will march on courageously. And the other part that knows that I can never un-know what we learn tomorrow. I can’t find false hope. I can’t go back and forth whether or not I’ve cooked this whole thing up in my mind like some twisted nightmare. Once we know, we know. Once we know, we must face it. Head on. I know we will. I know we can. But I am scared. I know that I set the tone for our family. I will set the tone for Bennett and in many ways for G too. If I am brave, if I am confident, they will feel ok too. It feels like a big responsibility. How will it feel to know? How will we handle the news? Can I do this? Can I be a fearless leader for my son? I hope so. I think so. But I suppose we don’t really know yet do we. Tomorrow is a day that could change everything. And yet it’s already in motion. That ball was set in motion seven years ago. It’s just that now we may see further down the line then we might have once imagined possible. I want an answer.
I’m afraid of an answer.
I’m more afraid of no answer.
It feels like the weight of the world. But I, I am a mother. Tomorrow won’t break me. Tomorrow is scary. But I can do hard things.
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